Introspective Post and Season's wishes

It’s a Tuesday afternoon, and I am not working. I just made eggs and toast for myself, jazz is playing in the kitchen, and the sun room where I am sitting is filled with the Toronto grey skies. It’s the first time I have in about a month to really sit down and reflect. It’s a scary thing. Last time it happened, I wrote a post called Cul-de-sac – and it was so very depressing and somewhat tragic.

This time – I am at peace. So much has happened between Cul de Sac and now. Last time I took the time to write an introspective post, I was in Haiti, sequestered, lonely, bored and depressed. This time, I am in Toronto, in one of my homes away from home, Pgwrox’s lovely townhouse where I have now been enough times to know my way around and feel at home. I am rested, sated, and somewhat content.

Christmas is coming round and I feel no fear, for the first time in a long time. Dad won’t be there, of course. CQFD will not be there either. My mum, PG and I will be celebrating the family thing together, as the tightly knit family that we are, despite distances.

My mum and I will be the 2 widows that we are, her in her own right, me…. in my own way. Last year, at this time, we were decorating the Christmas tree, CQFD and I, at his parents’ house. I was at peace, happy, in love. I felt like it was a day of days. I felt like that moment was immortal.

But all moments are immortal. And so while my 4 years with CQFD are suspended in time, so are my memories of my Yankee lover immortal, his warmth, and how I felt happy and at home in his arms, though I may never see him again.

And so timeless are the memories of my friend Naya, grilling red peppers while chatting with her sister at the other end of the world, and so are those of the Peacekeepers of Haiti, whom I may never see again but carry forever in my heart.

The Belgian crew in Bujumbura and the Philippinos in Aceh, and of course the orphans in Sierra Leone, the staff in Liberia and CMR & Princess, whom I met in Pakistan, now scattered in Zambia and Australia, my family in France and Canada, all of you will stay in my heart for ever.

All of my fellow officers are immortal. They are all unique and special and beautiful in their own way. And I love them all, in a way that is unique to them. I will miss them during this month of rest, and I will miss some of them more until I work with them again, sometimes 6 or 7 months from now.

This year has been a busy and eventful year. I have been ill. I have had my heart broken. I have also learned much and grown in wisdom and confidence through it all. Friends have died, and babies were conceived. Love was lost and friendships were found, built and nourished. Decisions were made, lessons were learned and through it all, the wheel of life kept turning, inexorably and timelessly.





So on the eve of Christmas 2006, may your time with your loved ones be rich, filled with love and may it remain suspended in time, shimmering and bright for you to remember, should hardship befall you. We are all immortal, timeless, evanescent. And all of you readers, may you find in this holiday season the power to love, forgive and to remember.

The Beaver